O’Neal, O’Brian proposals replace dumped ELV’s

April 1, 2009
Posted by

A new set of proposals from Kiwi arch enemy of rugby and his marketing wise Aussie friend will throw rugby into more disarray.
(Is Paddy NoBrain a secret agent of FIFA trying to kill rugby? DavidS) 

Far from accepting defeat with the dumping of the stupid maul collapse laws and the silly numbers in the lineout rules, Aussie rugby marketing guru and CEO John O’Neal and his disciple Robbie Deans have forged an allegiance with the erratic Paddy O’Brian and his wacky ideas for rugby’s future.

Reports Aussie union site Rugbyheaven that far from being disappointed that the more loony ELV’s are lost, the troika has presented a new points scoring system to the IRB meeting in Ireland on the ELV’s. 

 

In accordance with the new system the dropped goal will be done away with totally.

 

This is totally in line with the thinking of the Kiwis, who hate the dropped goal as much as the Australians do.

 

The new rules will see the set place kick as the only kick now allowed at posts.

 

However, in order to compensate for the loss of this a new “field goal? system similar to Aussie rules will be introduced. In accordance with this proposal, the IRB intends to have a net placed behind the poles and underneath the cross bar.

 

Kicking the ball into the net will earn a player a “goal? of four points.

 

O’Neal says “The system is similar to what is used in Aussie Rules. We’ve found that it is precisely this exciting scoring system that permits AFL to be so exciting, more so than union footy. This rule will revolutionise the game.?

 

Robbie Deans, Australian coach, was quoted as saying: “I think a change like this is for the good of the game. We need to globalise it, and this soccer style goal will make the game more accessible to people.?

 

In another related move, Paddy O’Brian has revealed that discussions with Gilbert have resulted in a more “aerodynamic? design for a rugby ball. Says O’Brian:

 

“We’ve narrowed the dimensions a bit. This will make the ball more marble like and easier to predict. It will fit in nicely with the proposals we intend with the ARU. The new ball will be trialled in the Sydney league this year. Hopefully we can use it with the new ELV’s by 2011.?

 

When approached for comment Pieter de Villiers told RW’s Morneno:

 

“It’s two o’ clock in the morning on 1 April man…   F—off and leave me alone!?

 

RW will keep its nose to the ground and ears pealed for more news on this.

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67 Comments

  1. avatar bryce_in_oz says:
    April 1st, 2009 at 3:00 am

    LOL… Classic!

  2. avatar Minora says:
    April 1st, 2009 at 7:48 am

    Ha Ha Ha

  3. avatar Bekke says:
    April 1st, 2009 at 9:21 am

    Pablo was probably contacted while he was busy frisking a bergie in his Avis in the Checkers parking-lot at Parow.

  4. avatar Boertjie says:
    April 1st, 2009 at 9:39 am

    Apparently there hangs a cloud
    over the credibility of the
    decisions taken at the IRB
    Law Conference.

    Of the 65 invited, only two were
    players – and they only went to
    say how much the players despise
    the Elvis Laws.

    According to Piet Heymans he knows
    of no player that is happy with
    them.

  5. avatar Deon says:
    April 1st, 2009 at 10:21 am

    Reply to Boertjie @ 9:39 am:

    Well if the players are willing to go back to the amateur era with no pay, then the IRB won’t have to worry about the future of the sport.

    The ELV’s was just introduced too late. Damage was already done.

  6. avatar Pietman II says:
    April 1st, 2009 at 10:30 am

    Ek wou net se……toe onthou ek die datum!
    :lol: Goeie een daar…

  7. avatar wiLLem says:
    April 1st, 2009 at 10:55 am

    :D

    Just the fact that it was posted by the ERT should one have had a lOOk at the date!

    gOOde one though!

    “Of the 65 invited, only two were
    players – and they only went to
    say how much the players despise
    the Elvis Laws.”

    hehehe and in the MEANtime- baKKies is stiLL stePPing on everybody’s “blue suede shoes”

  8. avatar Boertjie says:
    April 1st, 2009 at 11:18 am

    Reply to Deon @ 10:21 am:

    So jy hou van hangbal-rugby?

  9. avatar Boertjie says:
    April 1st, 2009 at 11:22 am

    BRIESIES:

    Torpedo terug op 15
    Oorlede Human op 14
    Bobo op 13
    Grant op 10.

    Reserves:
    Tiaan Liebenberg, JD Moller,
    Hilton Lobberts, Francois Louw,
    Dewaldt Duvenage, Willem De Waal,
    Dylan Des Fountain.

  10. avatar fyndraai says:
    April 1st, 2009 at 12:43 pm

    Reply to Deon @ 10:21 am: There’s lots of amateur rugby out there if you long for that.

  11. avatar chch says:
    April 1st, 2009 at 1:57 pm

    I think that we should keep drop goals in the game. They should be worth a one point deduction.

  12. avatar chch says:
    April 1st, 2009 at 2:10 pm

    I can’t find a tumble-weed icon, perhaps it’s just not needed

  13. avatar chch says:
    April 1st, 2009 at 2:12 pm

    8O

  14. avatar chch says:
    April 1st, 2009 at 2:12 pm

    Reply to chch @ 2:12 pm:
    Hi Princess, how are you?

  15. avatar The Brand says:
    April 1st, 2009 at 2:50 pm

    I LOVE MY JOB

    This is even funnier when you realize it’s real! Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.

    Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana .

    He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

    Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.5 on FM dial in Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.

    Needless to say, she won. Read his letter below.

    ~Hi Sue,

    Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you’ve been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it’s not so bad after all.
    Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It’s a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.
    This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.
    Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I’ve used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit.
    This floods my whole suit with warm water. It’s like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it.
    This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don’t have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn’t stick to it, however, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my ass.
    I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive.
    I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn’t shit for two days because my ass was swollen shut.
    So, next time you’re having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass. Now repeat to yourself, ‘I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.’ Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?
    May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day! !!!!

    Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift. ~

  16. avatar chch says:
    April 1st, 2009 at 3:05 pm

    Now I am on friggen text version of America’s funniest home videos

  17. avatar bryce_in_oz says:
    April 1st, 2009 at 3:25 pm

    Reply to Bekke @ 9:21 am:

    That was the 3rd force mate (re; Watson trying to bribe Snor)… didn’t work and that poor young Keo journo who leaked the story (a Watson family friend) got assassinated in the process… oh yes it was an ‘accident’…

  18. avatar Boertjie says:
    April 1st, 2009 at 4:17 pm

    :em53:

    Are you around?

    Then drop a line!

  19. avatar Boertjie says:
    April 1st, 2009 at 4:21 pm

    One for Bryce and Deon:

    Englishman visiting OZ.

    Immigration control: “Do
    you have any convictions?”

    He replied: “I did not know
    they were still required.”

    :D

  20. avatar Boertjie says:
    April 1st, 2009 at 4:24 pm

    Reply to bryce_in_oz @ 3:25 pm:

    Latest on the “baboon” statement
    (and let’s call it a rumour at
    this stage):

    Cheeky asked Pablo if they can issue
    a joint press release on the topic.
    Pablo said no.

  21. avatar SodaJoe says:
    April 1st, 2009 at 4:30 pm

    Nice Dave. Good to see some humor on a rugby blog.

    Church, RPrincess hi. This place is veeeerry slow. And hard to navigate.

  22. avatar SodaJoe says:
    April 1st, 2009 at 4:32 pm

    Not sure it’s worth it.

    Does anyone visit R.Heaven?

  23. avatar chch says:
    April 1st, 2009 at 4:49 pm

    Reply to SodaJoe @ 4:32 pm:

    I don’t think there is a SA rugby heaven?

    The NZ one uses a stuff.co.nz site blog

    The Aus one uses the Sydney Morning Herald blog

    Both a bit lame

  24. avatar chch says:
    April 1st, 2009 at 4:50 pm

    Reply to SodaJoe @ 4:32 pm:

    Are you banned from Keo?

  25. avatar chch says:
    April 1st, 2009 at 4:51 pm

    Reply to SodaJoe @ 4:30 pm:
    RPrincess is not here …. that was me being bored

  26. avatar DavidS says:
    April 1st, 2009 at 6:10 pm

    Hi all

    DavidS is home

    Man am I the moer in…

    No idea what to do about work situation..

  27. avatar DavidS says:
    April 1st, 2009 at 6:32 pm

    Okes

    This is a small site and we put up stories but often times there is nobody here.

    Imagine Keo as the big school where all the kids go and ours as the the small gang tree house

    Where you can talk kak and sometimes spend time alone but you’re always welcome.

    Cheers

  28. avatar DavidS says:
    April 1st, 2009 at 6:33 pm

    Oh and another thing

    When there is someone here…

    It’s a friend

  29. avatar DavidS says:
    April 1st, 2009 at 6:34 pm

    Keo is a full on professional with a team of professional journos

    We’re fans who do dy jobs..

    So we’re more real

    BUT

    We do have certain access to INSIDERS

  30. avatar SodaJoe says:
    April 1st, 2009 at 6:39 pm

    Reply to chch @ 4:50 pm: Nah but it out of control, and no fun really.

    Reply to DavidS @ 6:34 pm: S Well you’re doing fine. It’s not the articles, which are fine, but the navigation is challenging, and the load very slow.

  31. avatar Boertjie says:
    April 1st, 2009 at 6:43 pm

    :em63: NEW THREAD UP

  32. avatar Boertjie says:
    April 1st, 2009 at 6:46 pm

    Reply to SodaJoe @ 6:39 pm:

    Yes, the site is often s-l-o-w
    and we plan moving to a new server.

    But what do you mean under
    navigation that is challenging?

    First complaint of this nature.

  33. avatar SodaJoe says:
    April 1st, 2009 at 6:49 pm

    Boereseun. It is helpful to know who is on the site – this community then develops. It is also helpful to know who actually posted rather than just the thread.

    A lot of us are from Keo where the site work very, very well.

    Just some ideas.

  34. avatar DavidS says:
    April 1st, 2009 at 7:06 pm

    Reply to SodaJoe @ 6:49 pm:

    No this is good

    We’re moving from an SA based server to another one, but we’re looking at a few options.

    These ideas are very helpful to tell u what to look for to make it easier to use the site.

  35. avatar Boertjie says:
    April 1st, 2009 at 7:11 pm

    Reply to SodaJoe @ 6:49 pm:

    Dawie is making notes, I hope?

  36. avatar SodaJoe says:
    April 1st, 2009 at 7:15 pm

    Reply to DavidS @ 7:06 pm: Howzit Dave.

  37. avatar SodaJoe says:
    April 1st, 2009 at 7:18 pm

    I would also tighten up the space between lines a bit so you can get more posts per page, which again enlivens the sense of conversation.

    Put last posts below last post so better continuity.

    Ag wtfdik.

    Would be nice to have some mates to talk rugger actually.

  38. avatar SodaJoe says:
    April 1st, 2009 at 7:21 pm

    Reply to Boertjie @ 7:11 pm: So who writes – I heard PissAnt did. He’s good. Good oke too.

    By the way final suggestion (today) make it easier to go to home or threads – no one really gives too much of a fk about teh archives (having them is fine but they take up a moerse lot of space which can be used more productively).

  39. avatar DavidS says:
    April 1st, 2009 at 7:37 pm

    Cool

    Thanks taking notes here

  40. avatar Boertjie says:
    April 1st, 2009 at 7:42 pm

    Reply to SodaJoe @ 7:21 pm:

    As Dawie said: We have full time jobs.
    Morne (PissAnt) when he is not
    braai-ing. Currently on holiday.
    Deon (in Oz now)
    Dawie used to, now tied up at work.

    But, as you see, we mostly grab and paste
    from here and there – no paid fulltime
    staff as with Voldy, as Dawie explained.

    We wellcome all contributions and
    will make them into threads.

    Agree re Archives.
    Quite like the layout, typeface
    and general readability though.

    Spacing paragraphs makes for easier
    reading, also in posts, whichever
    site it is.

    I have no problem hitting HOME below
    the last comment, but it could be made
    more prominent.
    You also reach HOME if you click on
    MAIN at the top.

    “Put last posts below last post so better continuity.”
    :?:
    All posts under threads are chronological.

    Re rugby matters: Check the latest
    thread.
    :wink:

  41. avatar Boertjie says:
    April 1st, 2009 at 7:50 pm

    Quite a small sample on 365,
    but here goes:

    Which ELV would you most like to get rid off?

    Five-metre offside line at the scrum
    4%
    Corner posts no longer touch in goal
    4%
    Pulling down the maul
    58%
    Penalties versus free kicks
    32%

    Total: 256 votes

  42. avatar SodaJoe says:
    April 1st, 2009 at 7:50 pm

    Well this is what I think will happen this weekend, getting in early. Need to catch up on SuperBru big time:

    Bulls +4
    Force +4
    Chiefs +15
    ‘Tahs +8
    Grungies +7
    Sharks +7

  43. avatar SodaJoe says:
    April 1st, 2009 at 7:52 pm

    Reply to Boertjie @ 7:50 pm: Another way of looking at it, is what should we keep?

    I would keep Quick Line-Out
    No pass back 22
    5m

    The skop & charge is beyond boring now, but perhaps less boring than the interminable rolling maul.

  44. avatar SodaJoe says:
    April 1st, 2009 at 8:01 pm

    In my opinion after RWC 2007 the game needed a little freshening up, and accelleration around the field, not to mention more playing time & phases. i think we achieved some of this, but the short arm created other issues. I hope that we retain some of the more attacking centric ELV laws. As above.

    I also think that there would be no harm in looking at the point system again.

    Try 7
    Conversion 2
    Droppie 3
    Penalty 2

    Just a thought.

  45. avatar forBoertjie says:
    April 1st, 2009 at 8:03 pm

    Reply to SodaJoe @ 7:52 pm:

    I’ll be posting another piece on
    the Elvis laws a bit later.

    Agree with you re the 3 you mention.

    BUT if they really want to open up the
    game, they should follow the law
    Doc Craven introduced in Koshuis-rugby
    in the mid-60′s:

    If you kick a ball and don’t touch it
    first yourself, opposition gets a
    scrum from where you kicked.
    This was aimed at stopping the Gary
    Owens, with no protection offered
    for the receiver at the time.

  46. avatar SodaJoe says:
    April 1st, 2009 at 8:06 pm

    Reply to forBoertjie @ 8:03 pm: Boerseun. Sorry boet, might be die Taal, but how would ou kick a ball without touching it first? LOL.

  47. avatar DavidS says:
    April 1st, 2009 at 8:07 pm

    Cheers Boer

    Let’s have a look

  48. avatar SodaJoe says:
    April 1st, 2009 at 8:08 pm

    Reply to SodaJoe @ 8:06 pm: Ninja Rugby.

  49. avatar Boertjie says:
    April 1st, 2009 at 8:09 pm

    Moving your post on the ELV’s
    to a full-blown thread – hope
    you don’t mind.

    Come on, Boet – just read it again!
    :wink:

    After Team A has kicked a ball,
    a player from Team A must touch
    or play it before a player from
    Team B does – otherwise scrum
    to B’s advantage.

    Better?

  50. avatar SodaJoe says:
    April 1st, 2009 at 8:09 pm

    The Experimental Ninja Laws.

    Japan will win the RWC easily.

  51. avatar SodaJoe says:
    April 1st, 2009 at 8:10 pm

    Reply to Boertjie @ 8:09 pm: I really am quite excited by Ninja rugby.

    More than the rolling maul.

  52. avatar SodaJoe says:
    April 1st, 2009 at 8:12 pm

    Reply to Boertjie @ 8:09 pm: Boet I scaled that thread for News24! I am no PissAnt aka Morne the Ninja Devil Lock.

    But be my guest. In this treehouse it’s all good.

    Good article on Stats for centres actually that you might want to look at and “interpret”.

  53. avatar SodaJoe says:
    April 1st, 2009 at 8:14 pm

    Having home on the bottom is very cool.

    I will use it now.

    Boom.

  54. avatar cab says:
    April 1st, 2009 at 8:15 pm

    whats happening here?

  55. avatar Boertjie says:
    April 1st, 2009 at 8:18 pm

    Reply to cab @ 8:15 pm:

    Ons skinder van jou Boeremeisie.

  56. avatar cab says:
    April 1st, 2009 at 8:19 pm

    :pdv:

  57. avatar SodaJoe says:
    April 1st, 2009 at 8:20 pm

    Reply to Boertjie @ 8:18 pm: Ek dra my beste promdress net vir jou.

    Ek speel maar Ninja Rugby. Alles pote, niks hande.

    Skriklik “Skills”

  58. avatar SodaJoe says:
    April 1st, 2009 at 8:21 pm

    Reply to cab @ 8:19 pm: Geez I hate the smileys thingies. I notice you don’t use them either.

    Lets chat on the first thread?

  59. avatar Boertjie says:
    April 1st, 2009 at 8:22 pm

    Reply to SodaJoe @ 8:20 pm:

    Nee, Cab het uiteindelik ‘n
    oulike meisie opgetel wat ook
    beter Frans praat as hyself.

    Voor dit het hy elke week ‘n ander
    skaap beetgehad. Of dis wat hy hulle
    genoem het.

  60. avatar cab says:
    April 1st, 2009 at 8:22 pm

    Reply to Boertjie @ 8:18 pm:

    ja nee, mens moet die hardyards doen, nie reg vir daai soort vrou, sy is te nice en ordentlik, sy hou van die art en museums en kak, ek is mos n ware vulgarian.
    fart.

  61. avatar cab says:
    April 1st, 2009 at 8:24 pm

    Reply to SodaJoe @ 8:21 pm:
    yes i dont but made an exception for you.
    but i quite like it when the other okes use them.

    yeah the stats one? ok see you then, Boer laat ons trek (na die eerste thread).

  62. avatar SodaJoe says:
    April 1st, 2009 at 8:26 pm

    Reply to cab @ 8:22 pm: Vulgarian.

    This site is way better than Keo.

    I have Ninja Rugby and now I have Dr Spock the Vulgarian. Star Trek. Awesome.

    Is hardyards Afrikaans waneer jy spel dit in een woord?

  63. avatar DavidS says:
    April 1st, 2009 at 8:28 pm

    Okay three under 5′s to get to sleep

    This wife primary breadwinner crap is getting to me

  64. avatar cab says:
    April 1st, 2009 at 8:33 pm

    Reply to SodaJoe @ 8:26 pm:
    hulle weet ek praat ordentlike suiwer taal hierso (en miskien praat hulle bietjie vulgarian ook)

  65. avatar DavidS says:
    April 1st, 2009 at 8:33 pm

    Having home on the bottom is very cool.

    I will use it now.

    Boom.

    Jis SodaJoe

    For a Lions fan to say that is just sooooooo masochistic it’s scary what we’ve become used to

  66. avatar Methos says:
    April 1st, 2009 at 8:50 pm

    Hos julle moffies

    Hoe loop dinge ? Hier by ons is dit besig om somer te raak – is nog koelerigmaar nie te bad nie – ek was gister aand by rugby oefening maar toe ek daar kom was dit afgestel maar niemand is laat weet nie. Kom toe terug huis toe en gooi ‘n stuk bees, skaap en vark op die kole. Lekker.

    Het ook ‘n braai gehad laasweek Saterdag. Het ‘n paar souties en ‘n new Zealander hier gehad – hulle dog ek ismal toe ek 2 heel hoenders op die weber sit – hulle het nog nooit daai kak gesien nie – Hulle het ook nog nooit braaibroodtjies gehad nie – vinnige tip- as jy weer braaibroodtjies maak – plek daarvan om gesnyde uieop te sit – rasper die ui fyn of sit in food chopper en smeer op die brood – foooking lekker.

    Cheers

  67. avatar Bongani BEE Bok says:
    April 2nd, 2009 at 10:12 am

    hehehe classic … that retort from Snor … would have been priceless

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