SARU forces blanket bans

July 12, 2011
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RuggaWorld has reliably learned that given the recent failures in Super Rugby, the South African Rugby Union has taken drastic steps to improve the state of stupidity throughout all 14 provinces.

The exact nature of all the steps and how it would affect all 14 provinces or unions is unknown at this stage, but recent media reports shed some light on exactly what we can expect.

The Bulls early exit from the Super XV was followed by a media release in which the new structures at the Blue Bulls Company was revealed. 

Amongst other things, the coaching structures has been realigned but most revealing was the announcement by Bulls management that all players will be banned from the social media phenomenon which is Twitter.

Apart from the obvious problem that the Twitter community cannot understand a bloody thing some of these players type in English, Bulls management believes that opposition teams have employed specialist psychics who were able to decipher Bulls game plans through the player’s correspondence on Twitter and other social media applications.  This however has been strongly criticised given the fact that their game plan has not changed since 1939.

Even more drastic was the news that Leopards Rugby’s coach, Leon Boshoff, has banned the use of alcohol by any of his players and fellow management members.  In a public statement, Boshoff reasoned that professional rugby players can drink the day they retire. 

Boshoff, who was fired from the Lions in 2009 amidst a cloud of controversy following a locker room tirade, is believed to have started a support group for rugby players where only Oros will be served together with sing-along videos of Barney and Teletubbies.  Whooosaaaa indeed!

Details from measures other top unions will be looking to implement is still unclear, but it is understood that the Lions are one from only two unions who was not forced to undertake such drastic measures as their ban on players playing winning rugby is still in place after 5 years of implementation. 

Originally planned to only run on a 3-year plan, the ban was extended given the Lions management and administration’s ban of running a union successfully has also exceeded its mandate of 10 years but will hopefully be resolved before 2013.

It is also our understanding that WP Rugby looked for similar leniency from SA Rugby afforded to the Lions given the successful implementation of their ban since 2002 of retaining young talent within the union, but following objections from the President’s Council on the resources still available to WP Rugby to squander, it was agreed that they will have to ban their props from scrumming too in order to concentrate on the much famed, and overdue absence of Western Province ‘Running Rugby’. 

And although nothing has been made public by WP Rugby, we believe this ban was already implemented prior to the Super Rugby semi-final two weeks ago.

The absence of any concrete media releases from the Sharks has also left us in the dark as to the measures they were forced to implement. 

RuggaWorld however has it on good authority that the Sharks were forced to uphold a ban they deviated from in recent years where they may not contract any player under the age of 30.  In addition, all media releases or public announcements may only be done in the presence of their mascot, Sharky, accompanied by a 1 minute cartoon of the famous mascot.

The Cheetahs, similar to their old partners the Lions, escaped any additional censure given they have successfully upheld a 35-year old ban of allowing opposition teams to score as many tries as them in all senior competitions. 

It is believed long serving Cheetahs president, Harold Verster, tabled Super Rugby stats in a recent president’s council meeting showing that the top 5 worst tacklers in South Africa were in fact Cheetahs players.

In turn, the South African Rugby Union assured all parties that they will continue to offer no opinion, opposition or alternative suggestions in any SANZAR negotiation process in future, therefore successfully upholding their self-imposed ban of having any balls where they will rubberstamp any suggestions offered by Australian Rugby Chief, John O’Neil.

We will keep you updated as this develops.

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8 Comments

  1. avatar Thomas_Bulls says:
    July 12th, 2011 at 11:50 am

    And what of the ban on pretty cheerleaders at some unions?!?!?!

  2. avatar bryce_shark_in_oz says:
    July 12th, 2011 at 12:04 pm

    Hehehe… funny ’cause it’s (mostly) true…

  3. avatar Oranje Orakel says:
    July 12th, 2011 at 12:17 pm

    hehehe

    Anyway its 29 years!!!

  4. avatar Pokkel_Sharks says:
    July 12th, 2011 at 3:17 pm

    Very good Morne!!

    Had a good laugh there and it actually sad because it’s so close to the truth. :applause:

  5. avatar gsp27 says:
    July 12th, 2011 at 5:10 pm

    Wat van ou snorre? Hmmm

  6. avatar Morné says:
    July 12th, 2011 at 7:13 pm

    I think I must ask that other guy to do a Wacky Wednesday column for us again during the CC.

  7. avatar Boertjie says:
    July 12th, 2011 at 7:21 pm

    Reply to Morné @ 7:13 pm:

    No need to do that – just give us a regular
    new wacky quote by Piet Helium.

  8. avatar Aldo says:
    July 12th, 2011 at 7:33 pm

    Haha piet helium!

    Morne, great read, but I disagree, wehave a new exiting gameplan, we now include black players! Okok all you out there, JOKE, dont tear me a new one.

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